Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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