I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
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