He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
