you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
