apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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