I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
