my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
