this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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