you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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