U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
