There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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