His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
