I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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