it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
