when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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