the condom got lost in my hair
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
