You did not just play the dead husband card again.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
