So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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