So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
