I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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