Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
