i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
