You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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