do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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