I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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