I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
