when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
