69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
