Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
