Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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