Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
