Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
