This is not my ceiling
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
