I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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