Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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