Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
