I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
