You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize