never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
