There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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