Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize