Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
