Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
