i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize