I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
