i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Sorry about my life...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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