I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
how drunk are you?
Several
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
