Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
