he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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