My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
