Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
