the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize