I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just blew my weed a kiss
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
