we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
