the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
