Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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