I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Randomize
