ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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