i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
