two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
