fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
